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tv   The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore  Comedy Central  March 30, 2016 9:00am-9:36am PDT

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( cheers and applause ) >> larry: thank you very much. thank you so much. man! what a crowd! thank you. >> larry! larry! larry! larry! >> larry: thank you so much. so kind. >> larry! larry, larry. >> larry: thank you so much, guys. i appreciate it. welcome to "the nightly show." i'm your host larry wilmore. i'm so excited-- save some of that, because peaches is on the
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show tonight. ( cheers and applause ) so excited. so excited by that. okay, anyhow, so much to do tonight, a lot to do. >> larry, larry, larry, larry. sorry to interrupt, but i have an announcement to make! >> larry: oh, hey, robin. robin thede, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) robin. so, what's going on, robin? >> it's harriet tubman day, larry! >> larry: oh, yeah, that's right! i forgot. happy harriet tubman day >> and a happy harriet tubman day to you. >> larry: all right, okay. ( applause ) >> this day is so exciting! i mean, when she refused to give up her seat on that bus-- >> larry: wait, wait, wait. no, no, no, robin. that was rosa parks. >> oh, i know. but you know who doesn't? most people. and i went out to prove it. i'm talking to people about harriet tubman at manhattan's underground railroad.
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happy harriet tubman day! >> thank you. >> yay! >> tell me your favorite thing about harriet tubman. >> um. >> um... probably when she said, "let me people go." >> i think that was moses. you didn't think that through. >> what's your favorite thing about harriet tubman? >> i know she rocked some mean geri curl. >> you watch the oscars this year? >> just for leo. >> right, because harriet tubman wasn't even nominated. >> we have to do something about that. >> i think it was really rude that they snubbed her at the oscars this year. what do you joong maybe it's because what she was wearing. >> did you know she went by the name sojourner truth? >> yes, yes, i can. >> what's the best way to celebrate harriet tubman's. >> go to a club and free some trades. >> shiefs taking her last breath
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and then she said? >> if you liked it, you should have put a ring on it. >> thank you, thank you. and that's why harriet tubman should be on the $10 bill because people don't know ( bleep ) about her. >> larry: very nice. robin thede, everybody. robin thede. all right okay, june will mark the one-year anniversary of the supreme court's landmark decision to legalize gay marriage. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: yes, go for it. june will also mark the four-month anniversary of justice scalia's murder. incidentally, look at what the cops just dug up in o.j.'s yard. that's right, i'm saying o.j. killed justice scalia. i'm on the record. he just likes to kill. ( laughter ) what he does.
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so the supreme court decision that constitutionally guarantees a right to same-sex marriage is nearly nine months old, you guys. so looks like somebody just got that first tooth, and though they're not walking, they're definitely cruising. or are they? >> the republican-led missouri senate just approved a proposal. it passed this morning after republicans broke a more-than-30-hour filibuster led by democrats. >> larry: since this is missouri, i naturally assumed the proposal must be about changing the state animal to anything besides a mule. i mean, seriously, how is that your animal? but the proposal actually had to do with missouri's other top priority: oppressing gay people. >> the proposal would forbid the state of missouri from imposing any penalties on businesses that denied service to same-sex couples on religious grounds. >> larry: so it's ok to deny service to two women getting hitched, but you love it so much when two animals of a different species do it, that you made it your state animal
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( applause ) okay, just wanted to clear that about that. that's what you like. now, if there's a state that knows anything about depriving people of their liberties it's missouri-- hashtag #ferguson. just take a look at the wording of the bill. it "prohibits the state from imposing a penalty on a religious organization who acts in accordance with a sincere religious belief concerning same-sex marriage." "acts in accordance"? what exactly does that mean? i feel like the show-me state is hiding how they really feel about something. i mean, this language is so vague that hetero-donuts can not only refuse to bake donuts for gay weddings. it also means hetero-donuts can fire its gay baker because he just got engaged to the gay baker at homo-donuts. ( laughter ) why gay baker went to work at hetero-donuts in the first place, is beyond me. but the heart wants what it wants. as a black man, i can tell you these laws that purport to protect a threatened majority at the expense of a group that has just won its freedom is nothing new. there were a series of laws
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imposed on newly freed blacks after emancipation, now known as jim crow, not to be confused with series of a laws that forced blacks to listen to peter gabriel in the 80s called cameron crowe. ( laughter ) thank you very much. but now in missouri, we once again have the dominant culture claiming that they're the ones being victimized. and the man who introduced this bill, state senator bob onder said, "no one should be compelled to make a work with their own hands that's offensive to their beliefs." if no one made things with their hands that was offensive to their beliefs, quiznos would cease to exist. just saying. so these restrictions have passed the missouri senate and will now go forward to the house, where they're also expected to pass. now since this missouri bill is supposedly about religious freedom, i wanted to talk to an expert on the issue. please welcome our lord and savior, jesus christ. >> larry! >> larry: hey, jesus, how's it going? >> a black guy in late night.
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kudos to comedy central. so cool, man. even i couldn't make that happen. >> larry: oh, thanks, jesus. okay, is there any justification for this bill in missouri attacking gay marriage and making it about religious freedom? >> oh, yes, larry, please. these christians are being persecuted at the highest level. i mean, they're being rounded up, forced into camps, fed to the lions. i am just messing with you, man. missouri is just a state full of assholes. assholes. >> larry: jesus, please, please, i didn't expect that kind of language from you. >>un, i was alive during the middle ages. >> larry: i get it. so you don't think people being forced to serve someone whose values they don't agree with is a form of christians being persecuted? >> larry, seriously man, stop it. christians in america don't even persecute their priests for fondling little boy, all right? did you guys not see
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"spotlight"? hello. >> larry: i did. it was a fantastic movie. >> it was great to have keaton back. even i was praying for that. >> larry: let's stay on point. so you're saying this has nothing to do with persecution. >> larry, i feel like if anyone knows anything about religious persecution, it's this guy, i was literally crucified for my religious beliefs. >> larry: i'm not sure if that's the correct analogy. so you think it's wrong for a business to deny service to gay customers? >> yeah. but don't forget, man. i was a business man. i was a carpenter. i had a pretty sweet shop. i'm noting if to lie. people are always focusing on my jesus thing. >> larry: your jesus thing? >> larry, i only
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jesu-ed for, like, three years, from 30 to 33. i had a pretty good run as a it was more like two and a half years. you know what i mean? >> larry: i get it. i. >> i had to make plenty of things with my hands for people i did not agree with. >> gl really? >> this is a true story. once i carved end tables for a roman who i knew would later try to stone me. not cool. >> larry: at is not cool. you're absolutely right. but you made them anyway because you had love and compassion for all, right? back in those papers it was all about getting the paper. stack your money 'til you need a ladder," as my dawg 2 chainz says. >> larry: jesus, one final question about this missouri bill. what would jesus do? >> seriously. >> larry: yeah. >> you're going to make me answer that bracelet question. >> larry: i just thought-- >> if you want me to answer your to nut dilemma, why don't you look at what's going on in africa. i have a lot on my plate right
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now. basic cable. >> larry: don't even worry about it. jesus christ, everybody. we'll be right back. technology.
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hey, try some? mmm that is tasty. is it real? of course... are you? nope animated you know i'm always looking for real honey for honey nut cheerios well you've come to the right place. great, mind if i have another taste? not at all mmm you're all right bud? never better i don't know if he likes that. yeah part of the complete breakfast
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and to connect us with thes twonderment of nature. with the tiger image, the saliva coming off and you got this turning. that's why i need this kind of resolution and computing power. being able to use a pen like this on the screen directly with the image, it just gives me a differentrt and i can't do that on my mac. this is brilliant for me. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back.
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the world of social media moves pretty fast these days. hashtags rise and fall, instagrams are deleted, and snapchats disappear in an instant. so to help us keep up, we're starting a new segment called "hash it out," with franchesca ramsey. franchesca. ( cheers and applause ) >> thanks, larry. well, it's march, and you know what that means: it's women's history month. and this past tuesday was also international women's day. now, i know what you're thinking: isn't that excessive? do women really need an extra special day in their special women's month? maybe you're right, but then again, women have periods, carry babies, and make significantly less money than men. ( cheers and applause ) so we're keeping the (bleep) day. ( cheers and applause ) sadly, no matter how many days we get, women never have it easy. and that holds just as true on twitter. the first big social media freakout this week came when reality tv star kim kardashian
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tweeted out a nude selfie with the caption "when you're like, i have nothing to wear l.o.l." okay. certainly nothing we haven't seen before. no big deal. at least i thought it wasn't, until i checked twitter. here are a handful of the responses. "you're a mother." "you're a (bleep) mother." and, of course, my favorite, "that's not the way you should carry yourself as a mother and wife." that's not how she should carry herself as a wife? she's married to kanye west! ( laughter ) ( applause ) i mean, this is a dude who has lyrics about not wanting to get asshole bleach on his t-shirt. he's not exactly reginald veljohnson. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) sorry, ever since we found out that other guy is a serial
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rapist, reginald's how the go-to tv dad. secondly, since when does your status as a parent dictate whether or not people can see you naked? a woman's sex appeal isn't like an orgy, where once a kid shows up everything has to stop. and twitter's woman policing didn't stop with kim kardashian. this week, sportscaster erin andrews was awarded $55 million in a civil lawsuit after she was secretly recorded naked during a hotel stay. a woman getting justice for a gross violation of her privacy? sounds like awesome news to me! ( cheers and applause ) but, once again, i had to ruin my good mood by reading tweets like these. "erin andrews-- awarded 55 million? can someone look through my hotel room peephole please?!!!???" "she looks good in video, nothing embarrassing. why is she bothered. 55 million. ridiculous.
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"anyone wanna film my dick thru a peep hole in a hotel so i can make 55 million bucks real quick?" no. no one wants to film that. ( laughter ) now, clearly, these people are graduates of twitter law school where the motto is "just because you don't understand the law doesn't mean you shouldn't have an opinion about it." erin andrews was awarded that money because her privacy was invaded and then broadcast to 17 million people online. and now she's got to face twitter asholes who say her security isn't worth millions of dollars? is anyone else confused here? on the one hand, kim kardashian's voluntarily shared mom-bod is sacred and needs protecting. on the other hand, erin andrews's just-chilling-in-ahotel-minding- my-own-business-bod is fine for public consumption. there are more mixed signals here than a facebook status about your dead grandma with 100 likes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) let me spell this out for you. women are allowed to do whatever the hell they want with their
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bodies and no one gets to decide otherwise. ( cheers and applause ) and no one has a right to your body, no matter who you are, unless you give them permission! and that applies in person and on screen. so happy women's history month you sick hypocritical perverts! ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: franchesca ramsey everybody! we'll be right back. get them, franchesca! git them! after trying brookside crunchy clusters,
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@carlybeyar tweeted: at this point, i should just be a brookside chocolate ambassador. well, i am sorry, carly... it's something you earn. brookside. talk about delicious. are you eating lucky charms? no. this is a dream. they're magically delicious.
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plug in some simple info and get up to 50 free quotes. choose the lowest and hit purchase. now...if you'll excuse me, i'm late for an important function. saving humanity from high insurance rates. ( cheers and applause ) >> larry: welcome back. i'm here with my panel. first up, "nightly show" contributor holly walker. (cheers and applause) and "nightly show" contributor grace parra. (cheers and applause) and her album 'rub' is out now on "i u she music," canadian electronic musician and performance artist, peaches. ( cheers and applause ) and for everyone at home, join our conversation right now on twitter @nightlyshow using the hashtag #tonightly. we talked about this earlier in the show.
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kim kardashian posted this need photo of herself earlier this week. >> oh! >> larry, of course, anything she does gets a lot of attention. some people bashed her for setting feminism backwards, while others applauded her being comfortable enough with her body to share it. this is 20 16. why are we still getting upset with women's body? >> i think it's human nature. one of the first stories in the body is being upset about a woman's naked body. that is true. ( applause ) >> larry: where do you think all-- why do you think people are so upset? is it-- cothey think she can't be a role mod pel? people were use that word "role model." >> to me there's nothing more role modely than being comfortable with your titties. i think it's great. what better lesson to teach your children than love the skin you're in. >> larry: remember, honey, be comfortable with your titties. >> those kids are really close
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to those titties. you know. >> larry: do you think a lot of the slamming is just because she's kim kardashian? >> oh, yeah. >> larry: because didn't bette midler do that first? >> yeah, yeah. sharon osbourne was in solidarity and tweeted a naked picture, whichis thought was amazing, especially because everything that sharon osbourne has been through. and, also, she's not a young, you know, kim kardashian's body type. so i thought that was really amazing, actually. >> larry: she had to live with ozzie for all those years. >> let it rip now! >> and i think you can be a naked woman and be a role model because if dame helen mirren was showing them titties, like i would very much like try to emulate her. >> yeah, yeah. >> larry: you would try to emulate it? >> yeah! ( laughter ) >> larry: i love that the the dame is one. >> the dame helen mirren.
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dame helin mirren, if you show those titties, i will show my titties, too. >> larry: that sound like a "nightly show" challenge upon! oh, my god! what is her next movie? who is she playing next? >> if kim kardashian was venus de milo, we wouldn't have a problem with her taking selfies because she wouldn't have arms. ( laughter ) >> larry: you've been using a sexuality in your work i mean all the time. how do you deal with the haters? there are haters out there. >> yeah, let me know, because i'm about to go naked. >> you steam roll them. you just keep going and, you know, if you don't have haters then you don't-- you're not doing anything. >> oh! ( applause ). >> so it's really complicated for women because not only do we have to deal with being objectified, but then deal with being empowered and then deal with being called a bitch for
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being empowered or whatever it is. ( applause ) >> but, also, recognize that actually, men have never had to deal with that, that objectification. it just doesn't work that way. >> larry: and men always-- speaking of men-- no, because men have the power. they always do what they wanted to do and it's your job to get over it. and now women are doing whati+%ñ the ( bleep ) they want and it's your job to get over it. it's mott nigh job to get over it. like beyonce said it's your job to deal with it. >> the madonna whore complex forever. the idea that you are either a whore somebody who is a shute, shute, 2 x 4-- i had to think about that. >> larry: i really want to know what your childhood was like. i really do. >> i never heard that one. >> or you're a madonna, and you are, you know, like this virginal creature. so i think we have to get rid of both of those and become
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whore-donnas, and embrace both sides. >> that's what it is. we have to accept women as whole people, right. >> i think we need to get. ( cheers and applause ) >> but i think that the cob accept the of whore itself is horrible because we don't call men whoers as we would call men. if a woman has a strong sexual desire and likes to have sex that's okay. why does she have to be a whore. >> larry: holly, if a woman wants to show her titties on "the nightly show," why ydoes she have to be a whore? >> that's exactly right. >> justin bieber also tweeted a naked photo of himself and this didn't happen. >> because nobody wants to see justin bieber naked, nobody. >> also, what's with nipples? why are male nipples allowed to be seen, and why are women's nipples, you know, such a
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coveted-- >> yeah, i know it's a good point. >> and i love that you have nipples on your t-shirt, and i love that one of them is bigger than the other one. >> that's how it is! that's how it is. and you will find out, helen mirren, as soon as you go naked, you'll find out one is bigger than the other. >> larry: all right, 'nuf said. we'll be right back. okay, what is this? it's chewy. really icy. wooh. that's intense! it just hits you. its gum. no. it's totally a mint! it's disappearing as i am chewing it. where did it go? it's not a gum. not a mint. it's a breakthrough in cool. ice breakers cool blasts.
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thanks to my panelists, and a special thanks to jesus. thanks, jesus. thanks for watching. don't forget to ask me your "keep it 100" questions on twitter. we don't have time to do it tonight, but good nightly, everyone! announcer: from comedy central's
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world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with trevor noah. (cheers and applause) welcome to the daily show, everybody. i'm trevor noah. thank you so much. my guests tonight from broad city-- ilana glazer and abbi jacobson, everybody. (applause and cheering) but, uh, before we begin tonight, i just want to say farewell to peyton manning, one of the greatest quarterbacks in history. you know, he's the all-time leader in passing, touchdowns, quarterback wins and balls on a trainer's face. -(laughter) -allegedly! allegedly. allegedly. allegedly. and he announced today that he is retiring from the nfl after 18 years. yeah, um, apparently, he wants to spend more time -with his sponsors. um... -(laughter) he will be rich. i mean missed.


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